Nostalgia

I'm so emo - I've been listening to a lot of music by Stars. They're great:

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said "yes I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
And now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

Stars - Set Yourself On Fire - 01 - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

For one thing it's the voice of Amy Millan, who sounds like some sort of angel. As Dave says of Imogen Heap, "her voice makes me want to be a better person." The other thing is the lyrics, their self-professed focus on love, and then the tone, the music itself.

Oceans won't freeze
So loosen your heart
Underestimated
Undefeated in this love

We will always be a light

Stars - Set Yourself On Fire - 03 - Ageless Beauty

Badly Drawn Boy is also on high rotation.

I'm so nerdy - I've been watching Bleach and just caught up to the 60th fansubbed episode. The premise, briefly, is that the protagonist invades a sort of soul realm, ruled by death gods, the guardians of souls in both the soul realm and the living world. Protecting the Court of Pure Souls there are Thirteen Court Guardian Squads of these death gods, each with a captain and lieutenant. Each death god's Soul Slayer (sword) can be released, with varying special powers, and there's also demon magic, both dependent on the 'spirit power' of the user.

Anyway, aside from the fantasy premise there are some really brilliant battles; great animation, backdrops, sound and music; and most importantly an amazing attention to detail in the backstory. Each of the captains and lieutenants, as well as the protagonist and his companions, has defining influences. These are outlined in some of the most well-executed flashbacks and narratives I've ever seen in an anime. As the invaders encounter resistance, but also engender infighting amongst the death gods, there are a series of fights that are not only increasingly mind-boggling, but poignant because old friends, lovers and students are turned against one another.

I've been Christmas shopping (almost done, one day left!) and wasting time around Mississauga, and it makes me feel something that isn't nostalgia. It is the stirring of regret, a bittersweet feeling that there are well-crafted and honest things to be said to the people I know, gifts to be given, love to be made, and so on - none of which will ever come to pass. And the reason is simply that the world constrains me to the number of hours in a day, the money in my pocket, and to being only the one, imperfect person I am. (Disclaimer: note I don't use 'worthless' or 'lonely')

It makes me sort of sad, and it's hard to pin down why. I want to experience strong emotion; I know I'm capable of it, and the world and people around me are capable of arousing it. Only to do so continually would be unbearably wearying, so some days I just limp through in mediocrity, doing nothing poignant, nothing that will create a great memory or dictate my future actions. At the same time, I want to display strength and consistency of character, and be the sort of person who isn't perturbed except by rare, deep and meaningful things. I don't want to ride or appear to ride an emotional rollercoaster; that's really not me. Nor do I want to let these feelings of regret solidify and become bitterness, an acute awareness of missed opportunities. Life shouldn't be lived in regret.

There is no point. I've reached no decision; I write only to fumble closer. If you want, bug me over the holidays to write that poem 'The Gentleman Lover' I've been thinking of for months - it would probably be cathartic.

Now Playing: Massive Attack - 100th Window - 07 - Small Time Shot Away