I make frequent attempts at humour. Often they fail, because most of my jokes are referential. I depend on lateral thinking to insert the unexpected or (seemingly) unrelated into a situation or a conversation. The humour is created either by the juxtapositon of the two items, or, more commonly, poached outright from the thing I'm referencing.
Either way I rely on a whole lexicon of stock phrases, quotations, tidbits and so on to execute this sort of joke. What follows is an informal guide to the most common of these. For the most part the humour isn't explained -- because any explanation will ruin a joke -- only the phrase(s) and a link to the source are provided. I plan to continue updating it as things come to mind.
Keep in mind many of these are offensive to varying degrees. Reader discretion is advised.
Together / Oil / Are you talking about _my_ vagina? Sexual harassment training video [parody](http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6606512879132117173)
I'm still crying. ['emo'](http://emo.urbanup.com/776537), Urban Dictionary
The Ugly One! / I have a crush on EVERY BOY! / ARROWED / Ow! My skin! / MSG'D / Ow! My stomach lining! / GRASPED! / CHILDREN! / SAILING MISHAP / CEREBELLUM'D / LATE-360 SHOVE IT TO BONELESS'D / TWO'D / Wave O'Babies / How do you be so short? / FLOOR TOMMED / TWELVE SIDED DIED / Corn (chips) is (are) no place for a might warrior / There like shareware / Makey outy / CABER TOSSED / LATHE'D / Get it on like Diddy Kong [Teen Girl Squad](http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgsmenu.html), homestarrunner.com
Damn you Salazar! Matt LeBlanc in [Charlie's Angels](http://imdb.com/title/tt0160127/quotes)
Eat the pig and then together we burn! Burn! / Come with me! You belong with me! Burn! etc. Adam Sandler in [Dirty Work](http://imdb.com/title/tt0120654/quotes)
Hokay, so / Shit guys, ze missiles are coming, fire our shit / (But) I am le tired / WTF, mate? / 'Bout that time, eh chaps? Righto / Ahh MOTHERLAND! / Shfifty-five / Shiggity-shiggity-shwa / I want to play it / They look so goddamn like the same person / They are twins, that is why / I would say to them "Do you want ice cream cone?" Both of them say yes! / Testiclites [The End of the World](http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php), [Mario Twins](albinoblacksheep.com/flash/mario.php) and other [Group X](http://www.groupxarab.com/) audio and video
BOOM, HEADSHOT! / Uber micro / I could dance all day [Pure Pwnage](http://www.purepwnage.com/)
Ha! Ha! (Not to scale!, 'Rassment'!, Loins!, Dangly parts!) / …in my pants / MINDTAKING! / Stick with the kid! / Caliente / MANY others [Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law](http://www.tv.com/harvey-birdman-attorney-at-law/show/5484/summary.html)
Numerous quotes from the popular movies and cartoons: